Oh Instagram is a beautiful place. I love it. Of my 5 million vices, I thoroughly enjoy my Insta addiction. A world packed full of all lifes' beautiful things; hot men who surf, overpriced impractical and beautiful clothing and lots and lots of inappropriate humour. Then there are the people selling charcoal teeth whitening products - but hey, nothings perfect. Anyway, I have put together a list of some of my favorite characters on this highly addictive media platform - and before I accidentally on purpose offend any of you - my witty, intelligent and incredibly modest self has definitelyembodied nearly all of these people at some point in my instagram lifetime...
1. The ‘fitspo’ girl. We all know one. ‘Be comfortable in your own skin’...she says in the quote found under the latest picture of her posing in a bikini whilst holding some sort of branded water bottle. Well,if we were paid to work out, get a tan and parade around in bikinis all day I think yes, a lot of us would be a bit more comfortable in our own skin thanks. Alas, that is not the case so it would just be nice if you captioned your beautiful ab-enhancing picture with something a little more honest; ‘I have been working out like a marine and living on lettuce; it’s boring and slightly miserable so yes, I am going to show off my super hot body on the internet so your boyfriend can have an oggle and I can increase my chances of becoming #instfamous’. Just say it. Be frank - we know what you're up to and we'd probably try and do it ourselves if we didn't have such an affectionate relationship with our biscuit tin.
2. ‘I AM SO MUCH FUN’ This person is just so. much. fun. You can see it all over their gram. They’re at every single festival, party, concert, opening of a jam jar and always covered in glitter. In every picture their mouth seems to be permenantly hanging open..they’re laughing of course, because remember -THEY ARE SO MUCH FUN.
3. The person who is always standing on a cliff. How the hell did you get there again? Are you ok? Who is taking your photos? Why is the sky always so dramatic? How can you afford to be in Canada one week and Norway the next? I just don’t understand?!
4. The inspirational quote spammer. Hello and nice to meet you, my name is Sophie Kelly and how do you feel today? Fed up? I’ve got a quote for that! Had a break up? I’ve got one for that too! Full blown existential crisis? We have that covered. Lost, confused and generally losing th- and that’s where you mute me because you’ve seen so many #pinkpostits you're no longer sure if you’ll make it to lunch time without needing to go for a cry in the loos. This, or you unfollowed me the second you realised '#pinkpostit' was actually a regular thing.
5. The ‘how’s your monday’ person. Oh just sod off.
6. The ‘trendy’ person. They own a French bull dog, have a nose ring and wear doc martins. It’s all craft beer, coffee with strange patterns in it, avocado toast and crazy shirts. And street art. All about that street art. Closet hoarder of Apple products - but they wont admit that as its bad for their image.
7. Mr Extreme Sports. He’s either a *real* seasonnaire - or on gap yah number 3, living in his parents’ luxury chalet whilst driving vans (sometimes drunk) around the Alps. All in persistent avoidance of getting a *real* job or ever growing up at all. Surfing, sailing, snowboarding, skiing, and anything else that’s incredibly dangerous and expensive (and will impress the ladeeyz) will feature. Along with a nice steady stream of well timed photos of backflips and crazy jumps off cliffs; with skis, no skis, pants, no pants - and even sometimes in hilarious fancy dress. Likely also owns a bandanna and thinks you need to chill out.
8. Little Miss Hippie. Let me tell you there is no hippie here. Those amazing dresses are all 100 quid each from over priced boutique Australian labels - and she never actually sleeps in that van. Enjoys yoga for the great leggings and girly bonding, is usually blonde and laughing a lot with her friends - who, by the way, always happen to be wearing matching flower crowns. Always at a wedding/hen do/baby shower/brunch and has a long-suffering boyfriend with a topknot who’s given up fighting the excessive amount of pink fluff that is now in his life. Lives at the beach and sometimes thinks she's a #mermaid. (N.b. Little miss hippie girls of Instagram I want to BE YOU.)
9. The High Leg Bikini spammer. She discovered the return of the high leg bikini and that was it, no follower was safe. There are now 3573384 different angles of her bum on the internet. She applied for Love Island, enjoys a good contour and men who wear *really* white trainers. Also can't quite understand why she hasn't found 'the one' on Tinder.
10. The travelling couple. It’s so perfect they’re sharing it so we can all be ‘inspired’ by their glorious life. Of courseback in the real world we we’re just crying out for some motivation to take that trip to Barbados we’ve been putting off for so long. Lets be honest - Its not ‘travel inspo’ - you’re just showing off. And we all know it’s not that perfect. Real love is a little messier and no one can be that romantic all the time - not with that many sunsets to get through. I'm not buying it, I want to see you fall out and still keep that gram so perfect. Then i'll believe it.
11. The person who is always on holiday.How are you doing this? What do you do? How can one person have this many holidays?! Did you secretly win the lottery? Or get sent a mystery cheque from a long lost relative? Do you have a Sugar Daddy? How are you in Venice on a Tuesday afternoon again?!
12. The person who is taking Instagram very seriously. They invested in a drone and things changed. Their bio is perfectly spaced and says things like ‘Poet | Traveller | Writer’ with an ‘enquiries’ email address and a location pin. Hash-tagging has become a full time job and their feed is now limited to very serious images of intense photography. There isn’t a spelling mistake - or a joke - in sight and if anyone dares to make one they better get ready for that brutal ‘unfollow’.
13. The ultimate single girl. She is so #blessed even she can't believe it. Likely travelling in India somewhere - alone of course - because she's now a #independentwoman. Its all fancy candles, how much she loves her cat and pictures of her standing on hills looks at sunsets - punctuated by the occasional Oprah quote (who she discovered from a colleague who found her wailing in the loos at work after The Break Up.) She's now a true feminist, taking full advantage of the starfish position in bed.
14. The Girl who *really* loves her boyfriend. Some posting of your wonderful love is lovely - and well done you two for finding each other, but if every other post is a perfect vision of romantic bliss with an essay on how you are just so in love and you can't be apart or it hurts so much - I'm not buying it. Maybe I'm cynical from seeing one too many gushing online displays of love and affection - only to find its all over a week later. But why?! What happened?! You were so in love right?? So I'm inclined to think there's sometimes something a little more political going on here. It can be the social media equivalent of saying 'bitch, hes mine now' to any ex/former fling/anyone who may think they have a chance. Or maybe a way of affirming a love that you're scared is slipping away. Either way, just swap phones for 48 hours and see what happens. I guarantee this will straighten out any kinks in your relationship - or maybe just reveal them. You have to let us all know how it goes though, because we've seen how perfect your love is and we're invested! You can't go letting us down...
So there you have it, the creme de la creme of your Instagram feed. If you feel I've missed you then please do let me know, and if I've offended you...well...oops sorry about that. I'd also like to give a special mention to all the 'watching-everything-posting-nothing' grammers. We know you're there (we see you watch our story). So I dare you; get off you're high horse, go wild, and post a picture of your lunch or something.